" Jokes For All Desis"
 

---

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the
house.  Then she saw it float far out into the front yard,
then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating
away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.
Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from
the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he
was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

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    Still Love Me?
Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say,
disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her
nails.

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you
any more?" he asked nervously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him,
buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank
went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would
you still love me then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank,
I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all,
I'll really miss you."

END OF JOKES FOR MARCH 8
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Joke for March 9th
    WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee
jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea,
so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a
tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico
and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When
they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it
would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls
again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he
is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again
and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up.
He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened?
Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No,
the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS
A PIÑATA?"
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Joke for March 10th
    DESIGNATED DECOY!
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a
bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential
quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could
barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his
own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the
other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers
on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then
stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the
road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and
pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test,
and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be
broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated
decoy!"
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Joke for March 11th

Q: What do you call a Sikh who drinks only beer?
A: JUSBEER SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh guy who has only one drink ?
A: JUST-ONE SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh scuba diver?
A: JULL-UNDER SINGH.

Q: What do you call a better adapted Sikh diver?
A: JULL-UNDER SINGH GILL.

Q: What do you call a bald Sikh guy ?
A: BALD-EV SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh boyfriend?
A: HER PAL SINGH.

Q: Who is he who has many publications to his credit?
A: JOURNAL SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh guy running towards the enemy camp with a white flag in his hand?
A: SURRENDER SINGH.

Q: What do you call a Sikh standing on one leg?
A: BALAN SINGH

Q: What do you call a Sikh enjoying a walk in the park?
A: RELAX SINGH

Q: What do you call Singh whodrinks too much?
A: Bho pinda Singh

Q: One haired Singh?
A: Iqbal Singh

Q: NASA Engineer
A: Tara Singh

Q: and his brother
A: Cable Singh

Q: Th famous Olympic lady runner
A: Tej Kaur
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Joke for March 12th
           Roy Goes to the Bar!
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with
a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has
already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional
liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the
"same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly,
refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment
angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the
while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of
the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits
and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and
emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be
called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries -
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
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Joke for March 13th
           Believe In God?
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into
the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below
to swallow man and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards
the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my
God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in
midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I
thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just
seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must
understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change
hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please
have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies,
"So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling
towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.

Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

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Joke for March 14th
        Jesus Is Watching You!

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -

"Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar says , "What's your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says,

"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

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Joke for March 15th
        The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell,
even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up
the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last
night!"

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Joke for March 16th
       Wife?  Join the Party0? I don't think so!

Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in
heaven under one condition" The man say "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man
to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at
the gate and he asks her what she is doing there?

She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word
first before you come in to heaven.

She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"
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GO UP

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought
your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you
didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses
had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they
went!"
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Joke for March 18th
        Are You Drunk, Sir?
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and
out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an
asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,
I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this
white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
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GO UP

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the
stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a
towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager
of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The
Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would
very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying
on the dining room skylight."
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GO UP

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved
his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again,
he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him
for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have
offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
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GO UP

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are
asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days
off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have
used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for
23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time
is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only
1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going
to take that day off!
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GO UP

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a
bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,"
admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd
be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on
the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all
night watching me."
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GO UP

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous,
fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives
away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed
with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And
just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison..."
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GO UP

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like
my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I
can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye,
Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.
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GO UP

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on
the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

GO UP

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell.
There's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at WalMart?"
GO UP

When it was her turn on the stand, the prosecutor cam forward.
"Miss Jones, the wife of the defendant has identified you as
"the other woman" in her husband's life. Now, do you admit
that you went to the Dew Drop Inn with Mr. Smith?"

"Well, yes," acknowledges Miss Jones with a sniffle, "but I
couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer incredulously. "How's
that?"

"Mr. Smith deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel
clerk I was his wife."
GO UP

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
mean $200?"
GO UP

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that
three men were buried under the stone. However
he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark,
'That's Strange.'"
GO UP

One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart
boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.

So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally
given himself away. His answer looked like this:

10. me neither
GO UP

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as
the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out
of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he
knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from
his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who is he going to tell?"
GO UP

WIFE:     "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the
carburetor."

HUSBAND:  "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous."

WIFE:     "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  I'll
check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE:     "In the pool."

An three construction workers were working on a sky scraper,
discussing their lunch.

The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I
ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If
I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this
building and kill myself."

The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey,
turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of
them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill
myself, too!"

The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut
butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut
butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get
another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys
and jump off this sky scraper."

The next day, the first construction worker got a ham
sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself.
The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich,
so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the
third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he
jumped off the building and killed himself, too.

At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the
first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I
wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."

The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he
had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."

The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know
why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"
GO UP

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know
tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package
and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the
package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of
Dreams".
GO UP

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith
went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early
the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's
bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following
morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note
on his bedside table:

"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
GO UP

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.

Realizing his only chance for survival was to find
civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became
thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint.

Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when
he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.

Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out,
"Water..."

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied
sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.
However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you
can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With
his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent
and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't
come in here without a tie!"
GO UP

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of
what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable
worth."

There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to
cancel the policy on my husband."

GO UP

The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the
boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a
load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a
nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say,
because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to
one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you.
They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the
nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or
what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing
it!"

GO UP